4am... again.

To drug myself or not to drug myself... that it the question.

I can't sleep. Which for an insomniac isn't a surprising thing. But when you consider that for the last.. oh... 6 months, give or take, I've been sleeping like a baby, then this is a bit of a setback. No, better than a baby. I had been sleeping like the last 20 (+) years of insomnia had all been a very bad dream. I was sleeping 8..9.. sometimes 10 hours a night! It was incredible! My doctor and I thought it was just the new meds that I was on. I was feeling stronger, sleeping so well. He even said it was ok to drop two of my pills! I felt like I was on top of the world!!!

But.. as the brilliant Sir Issac Newton said, "What goes up, MUST come down."

Two weeks (ish) ago, is when it all came crashing down. I haven't been able to sleep more than 3 hours a night since then... and some nights not at all. I know what set it off. God laughed at me. Yes, I believe in God now. For without God, there's Devil. Without a Devil, there's no Hell. And for sure, I know that Hell exists. The turrets of tears that flow from my eyes are never enough to quench the fire that burns inside me. The screams, that I recognize as my own, are deafening in my ears, though I cannot open my mouth and let them free. I know there's a Hell... cause I'm there now. I know there is a God. And he can go screw himself. If he doesn't like that, then may he spite me now. Kill me. What do I care? He couldn't send me to a place worse than where I am now.

So I sit here. At 4:30 in the morning. Staring at a little orangeish colored bottle with my name on it. If i take it, I'll enter into a blackened world. My brain is conscious enough to know I'm supposed to be asleep, but my eyes just stare at the back of my eyelids for the next 6 hours. Paralyzed in my own mind. Or I could not take it and be comparable to the living dead tomorrow. Either way, my mind is on one thing and one thing only.

*sigh*

decisions.... decisions....